Sixteen Ways to Annoy the Hobbits
by The Sherlocked Phan of Bag End
Summary: Who knew there were so many different ways to irritate the hobbits? Including singing "heigh-ho" whenever they go past, calling them adorable all the time, and telling them they could do without second breakfast because they're too fat anyway. A collection of ficlets approximately 300-400 words apiece.
1. The Overview

**Sixteen Ways to Annoy the Hobbits:**

1: Call them adorable every time you see them.

2: Constantly ruffle their hair the way Boromir does.

3: Dish out regular sized weapons to everyone, and when it comes round to them, look them up and down and then at the weapon, and move on apologetically.

4: Insult ale.

5: Insult pipeweed.

6: Say it will do them good to miss out their second breakfast, as they are all too portly anyway.

7: Call Frodo 'Bessie Blue-Eyes'.

8: Call Sam 'Gingie'.

9: Call Pippin 'Fool of a Took!' all the time, specifically when Gandalf is not around.

10: Whenever you see Merry, start jigging around and singing with a huge smile on your face.

11: Particularly if you are Legolas, flaunt your perfect straight hair and mock them because theirs will always be curly.

12: Whenever they pass, start singing 'Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go…'

13: Constantly pester Frodo about why he wears the Ring on a chain around his neck.

14: Talk about how wonderful pointed ears are and then say how much better they look on Elves because they're so tall, slim and elegant.

15: Tell them to stop being so lazy all the time by getting piggy-backs off everyone; if they come to you for one, comply for a while before bucking, throwing them off and telling them to walk.

16: Always remind Frodo that it wasn't technically him that destroyed the Ring in the first place.

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I will be progressing through these, starting with the first one today, but I will not be updating for a week or so because I am on holiday. Like it? Please review! :)


	2. Adorable

**1) Call them adorable every time you see them**

"Hey, we're coming too!" Merry and Pippin leapt over the short wall into the Council of Elrond, standing stubbornly beside Frodo and Sam. The council regarded them for a few moments before a female voice came from above.

"Aww! They're so cute!" Arwen stood on a balcony above the council, clapping her hands in glee with a beaming smile on her face. "Aragorn dearest, couldn't we get one as a pet when we get married?"

Elrond fixed her with a look of outrage and she quickly clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oops! Silly me!" she giggled. "I forgot Daddy wasn't supposed to know about that!"

Aragorn face-palmed.

"Ahem…for your information, Miss Lady Elf, we hobbits are not 'cute'!" Merry fired up at her, his arms folded across his chest and stood determinedly.

Arwen just looked more enamoured. "They talk, too?" she squealed in disbelief. "Arrie, we are _so _getting one of these! Think how useful it would be to have around the house! It could look after the babies…"

Elrond and Aragorn choked; the four hobbits looked confused and slightly indignant.

"We. Are. Not. Cute," Pippin muttered.

"One of them is Scottish?!" Arwen cried, leaping up and down from excitement.

"Yes, my lady," piped up Boromir. "The dark-haired one has a hit-and-miss British accent, his gardener is an Irish leprechaun, this one is Scottish and the other is sort of Welsh/Mancounian. They come in a range of styles."

"I want the British one!" squealed Arwen.

Elrond lost patience. "The Ring must be taken deep into the heart of Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came," he said darkly, having to speak a little louder than he would have liked in order to drown out his daughter's shrieks. "One of you…must do this."

"I will take the Ring to Mordor," came a small voice from Frodo.

"Noooo!" cried Arwen, sinking to the ground as if struck to the heart. "You can't leave, British hobbit! I want to keep you!"

"…though I do not know the way." Frodo looked around at the Council, coldly ignoring Arwen. She crawled away along the floor, back to her room, to weep at her three and a half foot tall loss.

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	3. Hair

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**2) Constantly ruffle their hair the way Boromir does**

"I care not." Boromir snapped out of his apparent trance and handed the Ring back to Frodo, who immediately snatched it and put it inside his shirt once more. Boromir smiled and playfully ruffled the hobbit's hair.

Frodo gritted his teeth and glared at him. "Don't. Touch. The. Hair," he hissed as Boromir was just out of earshot, turning to the three other hobbits and seeing them mirroring his look of outrage.

"My opinion of Boromir has just nose-dived dramatically," said Merry darkly.

"_No-one _touches a hobbit's hair," agreed Pippin with a grimace.

"_Especially _not Mr. Frodo's," Sam growled, flexing his knuckles.

The four of them stared daggers at the back of Boromir's head for a while, until Legolas and Aragorn came back to find them.

"Hurry, hobbitses!" trilled Legolas with a grin, ruffling Sam's hair and skipping off.

"Move your short legs and catch up," Aragorn grinned, a hand on each of Merry and Pippin's heads. They held their breath, praying that he wouldn't…but he did. The Man and the Elf strode off, oblivious to the carnage behind them.

The four stood with faces like thunder, hair completely messed up. Merry slowly and deliberately readjusted his hair to its usual position, followed by Sam. But Frodo and Pippin could not be consoled. Frodo's face adopted the crazy expression he wore in Mount Doom before he claimed the Ring (information kindly submitted by Saruman's Future-Telling Palantír™) and Pippin's bottom lip was trembling like he was about to burst into tears. Both their hair stood up in offending tufts.

"Why would he _do _something like that?!" screeched Pippin, frantically flattening his hair so it looked mildly presentable by hobbit standards. Frodo still stood motionless.

"Er…Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked hesitantly; Frodo turned slowly to look at him, his face wearing the exact same expression.

"Let's go," he said in a monotone, storming off. "Let them see what damage they've caused." He strode up the hill purposefully. "BOROMIR! I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!"

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**N.B. ****Saruman's Future-Telling P****alantír™ is unfortunately not available for general distribution due to health and safety. However, I can offer any reviewers a character of their choice: just name your request and it's as good as done.  
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	4. Weapons

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**3) Dish out regular sized weapons to everyone, and when it comes round to them, look them up and down and then at the weapon, and move on apologetically**

"Excuse me, Fellowship," said Lord Elrond, swishing into the room where the nine were sat, "but my people and I would like to bestow upon you some gifts forged here in Imaldris. I know many of you have weapons, but it is out gift to you to bear an elven blade."

Gimli snorted and Elrond pointedly ignored him. Legolas was the first to make a move.

"We thank you, Lord Elrond," he said, kneeling. Elrond looked bored and pushed him over; Legolas returned to his seat looking slightly confused.

Elrond began to make his way around the members of the Fellowship. "For Legolas, Elf-prince of Mirkwood, we give you this silver blade, made of finest Glint-tastic Silver™, perfect for doubling as a mirror."

Legolas looked pleased as Elrond moved to Aragorn. "For you, Aragorn, I'm afraid the blacksmiths are behind schedule on getting Andúril ready for you, but in the meantime you can have this rubbishy one."

Aragorn looked irritated but Elrond turned to Boromir. "And for you, Boromir, we have this exquisite slayer made from exclusive Gondorian Gold™, so hopefully it will remind you of your home and highly sucky dad."

Boromir surprised everyone by hugging the Elf-lord, who looked around desperately for help.

"I sincerely hope you don't have a weapon for me!" declared Gimli, folding his arms.

"Indeed not," said Elrond, shocked. "Our elf weapons are too good for fat dwarves to use." He swished past leaving Gimli speechless.

"And for you four…" Elrond trailed off, looking at the hobbits. Or rather, _down _at the hobbits. "Er…we did have these lovely swords, but…" He held a sword up against Frodo. "…ah. It seems they are taller than you." Elrond smiled apologetically and moved back to the centre of the circle.

"We, the Elves of Rivendell wish you luck in your quest," he said sincerely.

"Yeah, okay," muttered Frodo. "Fat chance we have of survival without any swords."

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**N.B. Ever wanted to give someone that special Ring of Power for themselves? Well now you can! Simply forge it out of Gondorian Gold™ (perfect for the Men amongst us) or Glint-tastic Silver™ (for all those Elves who need a weapon **_**and **_**a portable mirror)! Simply order now at Mount Doom Jewellery Supplies PLC!**

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	5. Ale

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**4) Insult ale**

"So, what do you young laddies drink where you come from?" Gimli walked briskly alongside the four hobbits and was questioning them about their backgrounds.

Pippin puffed out his chest and looked proud. "Well, we're not trying to boast, but an inn, _The Green Dragon_, does the finest ale you ever shall taste!" He folded his arms and gloated.

Gimli looked outraged. "Ale?!" he scoffed. "Ale is a drink for sissies! In Moria we drink malt beer – that's the stuff of _real _dwarves! None of this prissy ale business for us."

Merry flexed his knuckles one at a time. "Say that again," he said quietly.

"It's true!" continued Gimli. "Only wimps drink ale."

All four hobbits looked completely and utterly outraged, and Merry floored Gimli with a punch straight to the jaw. He brushed his hands off while the other three nodded with contempt at Gimli.

"Only wimps drink ale," said Merry to the unconscious form of Gimli.

"Ah, touché my friend," Sam trilled, earning a glare from the others. He looked around innocently. "What?"

Gandalf came hurrying back to see what all the commotion was, closely followed by Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir. Legolas gasped when he saw Gimli lying on the floor.

"Nooo!" he wailed. "Gimli! My buddy!"

Merry stood by looking pleased with himself as Boromir coughed discreetly.

"And…er…what exactly did our dwarf friend do to provoke such an attack?" he asked carefully. Merry opened his mouth to answer but Pippin butted in.

"He insulted our Green Dragon ale," he said matter-of-factly, folding his arms and puffing his chest out, "so he deserved what he got."

Legolas scoffed. "Ale–" he started to say before Merry and Pippin both flexed their knuckles and fixed him with an icy glare. "Ahem. Nothing." He said innocently.

"Perhaps we should make one thing _quite _clear," said Merry calmly. "_No-one _insults ale. It is not done. And if it is done, this happens." He gestured to Gimli lying on the floor. "Or perhaps," he added, fingering his sword, "something worse. Is. That. Clear?"

The Fellowship nodded in stunned silence.

"Good," Merry said, grinning and turning to Pippin. "Come on Pip, let's go." They swaggered off, and for half a minute afterwards, they could be heard trilling in the distance: "We're off to see the Dark Lord, the wonderful Dark Lord of Mordor!"

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	6. Pipeweed

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**5) Insult pipeweed**

The Fellowship were trudging through yet more dense undergrowth, with the only part of the hobbits visible being the tops of their heads. As usual.

"You know Pip, what I wouldn't give for a good long smoke of Old Toby right now," sighed Merry as they walked.

"Tell me about it," Pippin replied, swatting yet more flies out of his face. "If I saw a barrel of it, nothing would stop me: not Legolas' arrows, not Gimli threatening to cleave me in half with his axe–"

Gimli turned around to glare at them, the purple bruise on his jaw painfully obvious. The four hobbits sniggered.

"–not even Aragorn coming at me with a whole tribe of undead warriors!"

The hobbits laughed in disbelief.

"Like that would ever happen!" smirked Frodo.

"But nothing would stop me getting my good long smoke of Old Toby," finished Pippin. Legolas came forward after hearing their conversation with interest.

"Old Toby?" he asked hesitantly, knowing to tread carefully with the hobbits when they discussed their customs.

"It's a type of plant, Mister Legolas," said Sam proudly; Legolas looked awkward at the 'Mister Legolas', "that you put in the end of your pipe and smoke."

Legolas looked confused. "You squash a plant into the end of a wooden pipe," he said, "and set fire to it?"

The hobbits shifted uncomfortably. "Well, if you say it like that it sounds stupid," muttered Frodo, looking at his feet.

"Then what do you do?" asked Legolas, bewildered.

"Breathe in deeply, take the pipe out of your mouth, and blow a smoke ring," Pippin said. "Well, if you have the suitable skills, that is."

"And…what exactly is the point of this?" Legolas asked gingerly.

The four looked outraged and Legolas suddenly found himself surrounded on all sides by them. "The point?!" spluttered Pippin. "The point is it's for pleasure! Pleasure!"

Legolas looked confused and the four regarded him with disdain.

"Come on," said Frodo finally, "let's leave this non-pipeweed-understander in the dust!" They swept off, leaving Legolas utterly bewildered with still no idea what they were talking about.

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	7. Fat

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**6) Say it will do them good to miss out their second breakfast, as they are all too portly anyway**

"Yes, we've had one," said Pippin matter-of-factly, "but what about second breakfast?" He looked at Aragorn disapprovingly.

"I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip," Merry said gently as Aragorn stormed off, exasperated.

"Believe me, I know all about your various breakfasts," muttered Aragorn to himself. "I've heard nothing but complaints about having to go without them all. If you ask me, it'll do you good. You could do with losing a few pounds."

"What was that?" Frodo scared the living daylights out of him by popping up in front of him out of nowhere. "Losing a few pounds, you say?" The hobbit smiled innocently with his hands folded behind his back, but to Aragorn it seemed more like an 'answer my question wrong and I'll slit your throat' kind of smile. He gulped.

"Well you know," he said nervously; Frodo's creepy smile did not let up. "Looking at Samwise…he is a little on the…portly side, wouldn't you say?"

"I suppose you could say that. I would call it healthy, but each to their own." Frodo kept smiling creepily before bursting into a rant, leaping on top of Aragorn and pounding him with his fists.

"What are you trying to say, you filthy liar?" he screeched; Sam, Pippin and Merry quickly came over and joined in the turmoil, although they had no idea what they were fighting about.

"Fine!" Aragorn sat bolt upright and the hobbits fell off onto the floor. "I'm glad you don't have all your meals! Besides, you could probably do without second breakfast; you're all too fat."

That was the final straw. All four hobbits sat on the floor with looks of horror on their faces.

"F…fat?" stammered Frodo, his eyes filling with tears. "Me? Fat?" He got up and turned around. "I knew I shouldn't have worn these tight trousers! Sam! I look fat in these trousers, don't I?"

"No, Mister Frodo," said Sam indignantly. "The very notion!"

Frodo could not be consoled. He lay on the floor on his stomach, kicking and screaming and sobbing. "I'm fat! Life is not worth living!"

"Frodo, I didn't mean you specifically…" Aragorn said wearily.

"It's too late now!" wailed Frodo. "You've said it!" He sat up and glared at Aragorn. "You can't unsay it!" He began to wail again while the three other hobbits muttered amongst themselves.

"Sorry, Frodo," murmured Aragorn. The hobbit continued to wail.

"I might take this stupid Ring to Sauron! That'll teach you to say nasty things about me! I bet Sauron could make me thin…"

"No!" screeched Sam, Pippin, Merry and Aragorn. "Bad idea!"

Frodo sniffed, got up and dusted himself off. "Fine," he said petulantly, "but I don't want any more fat comments."

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